Child tantrums whenever invited to go in the buggy.
Tantrums when told to walk instead.
Why doesn't she want to go in the pushchair or walk herself? can she tell you, out of the moment? Or can you work it out from her actions?
If she wants carrying, how about a rucksack or sling? http://www.thecarryingkind.com/products/shw-detail.asp?pid=168
If she wants a snuggle, why not sit on a bench together for 20 minutes with a drink and a snack and a favourite book or a sticker book?
If she isn't ready to leave the place yet, why not keep playing till she's finished? It might take a while to overcome a past history of expecting mum to make her leave before she's ready - the first time it might take ALL DAY playing around the park entrance, but in time you'll find that if you allow plenty of time and don't pressure child to leave, she'll leave when she's had enough and wants to go and do something else. Make sure you take fun things to do yourself, like a book or magazine, and plenty of snacks, in case the park is an all day activity
If she wants to walk s-l-o-w-l-y, can you walk at her pace and enjoy every snail and pebble and leaf you pass?
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Sunday, March 04, 2007
take child out of nursery
child recently went to nursery for "social skills". Unsettled, constant viruses. Parent said 'should I remove her?' Lots of people said 'no no stick it out'
I said
'What are the advantages of staying in nursery? You can get all the social exposure for about £1 a time at toddler groups, crafts, sand tray, painting, singing, cool toys...
She'll learn what she needs to learn at her own pace - have confidence in her and youself. She learned some really tricky things, like sitting and crawling and using a spoon, without any professional expert instruction - she can go on learning everything she needs to following her instincts and interests with your support and help.
I think if you don't have to put your child in a nursery for work reasons, it's a waste of money, honestly, given the fantastic toddler groups there are out there.'
Mother is removing child from nursery. And this reaction makes me want to keep posting at the mainstream board I've been frequenting
I said
'What are the advantages of staying in nursery? You can get all the social exposure for about £1 a time at toddler groups, crafts, sand tray, painting, singing, cool toys...
She'll learn what she needs to learn at her own pace - have confidence in her and youself. She learned some really tricky things, like sitting and crawling and using a spoon, without any professional expert instruction - she can go on learning everything she needs to following her instincts and interests with your support and help.
I think if you don't have to put your child in a nursery for work reasons, it's a waste of money, honestly, given the fantastic toddler groups there are out there.'
Mother is removing child from nursery. And this reaction makes me want to keep posting at the mainstream board I've been frequenting
more advice for the mother who's child throws food
Can you let go of the expectation that child will sit at table for a proper family meal time till they are quite a bit older? If you provide them with enough food and enough choice of food so there'll be something they like (rice is rejected again? ok, well here's some cold pasta from the fridge which you know always works...) which they can choose to eat, or throw on the floor or eat later or eat off the floor (All good for the immune system) then they won't end up malnourished.
I suppose I'm suggesting RELAX!!! Trust your child, and follow their lead and life will be much easier.
You really don't have to impose an expectation of a certain kind of meal time at this point in their lives.
Remember that children have tiny stomachs compared to ours - they often prefer to eat lots of little snacks than great big official MEALS 3 times a day.
1) when you act in a manner which is apparently irrational to the child, they will push and push and push around that area trying to make sense of it. Why is throwing some things ok and some things not? Is it just when I'm in this chair? Or is it when Daddy is here? Or... It's not so much "pushing your buttons", though lots of people interpret it that way, it's a rational creature trying to make sense of arbitrary rules made by people in positions of power over them. When that's happening, it really helps to take the child's "defiance" as a clue that you are doing something they are not ready to understand, I think. (and remember they don't speak English yet. I was with the mum of a 7 month old in a cafe recently, and she solemnly and s-l-o-w-l-y and LOUDLY explained to him that if he dropped his rice cake it would have to stay on the floor because it's dirty down there and I just thought WHAAAAAT????? spread a spare muslin over the danger zone, you idiot! You might as well be speaking mandarin chinese!)
2) If your child wants to do something you are resistant to, find a safe way of giving them as much of that as they want. They are learning learning learning. Yes, you might not manage it the first time it occurs but by the second or third time, you need to find some way of making that situation happy for everyone. Child wants to walk by busy road? Fine, buy toddler reins. Child wants to throw food out of high chair? Fine. Find even cooler stuff to throw. Or cook a whole packet of tesco value pasta - they'll have a job throwing more than £1 worth on the floor and you can scoop it up and let 'em throw again, and in 2 years time, you'll look back nostalgically rather than in sadness at the textures-and-gravity-are-fascinating phase.
THere's a wonderful book by Deborah Jackson called something like "Do not disturb" (or maybe that's the subtitle) which is all about how to support your children in living and learning according to their own goals, facilitating their dance with the universe. A similar but much more dated in style old book, which might still be in libraries is Alison Stallibrass's The Self-Respecting Child.
I suppose I'm suggesting RELAX!!! Trust your child, and follow their lead and life will be much easier.
You really don't have to impose an expectation of a certain kind of meal time at this point in their lives.
Remember that children have tiny stomachs compared to ours - they often prefer to eat lots of little snacks than great big official MEALS 3 times a day.
1) when you act in a manner which is apparently irrational to the child, they will push and push and push around that area trying to make sense of it. Why is throwing some things ok and some things not? Is it just when I'm in this chair? Or is it when Daddy is here? Or... It's not so much "pushing your buttons", though lots of people interpret it that way, it's a rational creature trying to make sense of arbitrary rules made by people in positions of power over them. When that's happening, it really helps to take the child's "defiance" as a clue that you are doing something they are not ready to understand, I think. (and remember they don't speak English yet. I was with the mum of a 7 month old in a cafe recently, and she solemnly and s-l-o-w-l-y and LOUDLY explained to him that if he dropped his rice cake it would have to stay on the floor because it's dirty down there and I just thought WHAAAAAT????? spread a spare muslin over the danger zone, you idiot! You might as well be speaking mandarin chinese!)
2) If your child wants to do something you are resistant to, find a safe way of giving them as much of that as they want. They are learning learning learning. Yes, you might not manage it the first time it occurs but by the second or third time, you need to find some way of making that situation happy for everyone. Child wants to walk by busy road? Fine, buy toddler reins. Child wants to throw food out of high chair? Fine. Find even cooler stuff to throw. Or cook a whole packet of tesco value pasta - they'll have a job throwing more than £1 worth on the floor and you can scoop it up and let 'em throw again, and in 2 years time, you'll look back nostalgically rather than in sadness at the textures-and-gravity-are-fascinating phase.
THere's a wonderful book by Deborah Jackson called something like "Do not disturb" (or maybe that's the subtitle) which is all about how to support your children in living and learning according to their own goals, facilitating their dance with the universe. A similar but much more dated in style old book, which might still be in libraries is Alison Stallibrass's The Self-Respecting Child.
on bed sharing
parent is trying to get child out of her bed and into his own...
Is there a safety reason why he shouldn't sleep in your bed?
Perhaps you could put his bed across the bottom of yours and sleep head down so you are face to face together.
Or make a nest of mattresses and duvets on the floor and snuggle down in a heap.
2.5 seems very young to me for a child to want to sleep alone.
If sleeping in his own bed/ room is something he chooses when he's ready, there'll be no stress at all.
Also worth thinking: what would your child have to do to persuade you that both would be happier and better rested if you shared a bed or a room? Sometimes our children are wiser than we are :)
Parent still worried about hour long bedtimes
take those extended bed times as relaxation time - to read a book or meditate or listen to music or watch a film (with headphones on).
If child trusts you'll be there when they wake, they are more likely to fall asleep without fear, I think.
Maybe bedtime is too early? Some people give up on bedtime entirely. THey do bath and stories and snuggles and maybe energetic rumpus, and then when child is tired, they'll fall asleep without needing hours of soothing.
I also suggested books on tape with IPOd or walkman
Is there a safety reason why he shouldn't sleep in your bed?
Perhaps you could put his bed across the bottom of yours and sleep head down so you are face to face together.
Or make a nest of mattresses and duvets on the floor and snuggle down in a heap.
2.5 seems very young to me for a child to want to sleep alone.
If sleeping in his own bed/ room is something he chooses when he's ready, there'll be no stress at all.
Also worth thinking: what would your child have to do to persuade you that both would be happier and better rested if you shared a bed or a room? Sometimes our children are wiser than we are :)
Parent still worried about hour long bedtimes
take those extended bed times as relaxation time - to read a book or meditate or listen to music or watch a film (with headphones on).
If child trusts you'll be there when they wake, they are more likely to fall asleep without fear, I think.
Maybe bedtime is too early? Some people give up on bedtime entirely. THey do bath and stories and snuggles and maybe energetic rumpus, and then when child is tired, they'll fall asleep without needing hours of soothing.
I also suggested books on tape with IPOd or walkman
parenting philosophy for newbies
[All done in the first person for approachable tone, but it's hypothetical really :) ]
Thinking about letting go - jumping off a cliff - will there be a soft landing?
Most of our parenting is based on parental authority. What the parent says goes. If it hurts the child, it is for their own good. We just have to be strong. To hang in there. To hurt our children in their own interests because it will be Better In The Long Run.
When child complies, life is great.
And this situation goes on until suddenly the child is too large and old to obey us Because I Said So and they are out till God knows what hour of the night doing God knows what, and all our old techniques of persuasion can only turn into Not Under My Roof and more and more emotional distance and honestly we have no idea what interests our children or motivates them, all we can do is watch from the sidelines and worry. Just look at the older children forums on the big message boards. That's what every parent is struggling with.
We all love our children so much and are desperate for them to be happy and fulfilled, and we want to help them prepare to take their place in wider society as successful, fulfilled people. We all do.
But look at the threads here, girls: Child won't sleep where I want him/her to sleep. Child doesn't want to go to nursery, how can I make him/her? Child won't go where I want him/her to. Child won't eat a meal the way I want him/her to.
All my posts are coming from having read some wonderful books on parenting and education, by authors like Deborah Jackson, Alfie Kohn, John Holt, Jan Hunt. And from having found out a lot about the philosophy of Karl Popper, which he never applied to parenting but which holds as its central concept the principle of fallibility. and then finding a (now defunct) blog called Rational Parenting and then a radical website called Taking Children Seriously.
And this is what comes out of it:
In a conflict situation, instead of asserting your authority or giving in to your child, try to find a solution which everyone genuinely prefers to their original plan (a "common preference"). Suddenly problems are not a disaster but something to get your teeth into, out of which all kinds of fun and learning and closeness can come.
In a conflict situation, remember, you might be wrong and your child might be right. (that's the fallibility bit) It's that old story where 10 month old is trying to grab your fork and you are going "no no that's not safe" and then you turn away for a second and when you turn back child is solemnly and dextrously feeding you pasta. Humbling.
It's a completely different philosophy of parenting from anything most of us have ever encountered before, and I believe it leads to gloriously happier families.
In a reply, someone said she thought compromise is good
I don't advocate compromise. I hate compromise. I want X, you want Y, and we get Z which is a mish mash of both which noone wanted. A common preference is much better than a compromise. The people involved don't meet in the middle. Instead they find ways for everyone to get what they originally wanted, or they find things which everyone genuinely prefers to their original desire. It sometimes involves some serious thinking outside the box.
A simplified version might be:
Compromise:
I want chicken for supper
You want mushrooms
we have chicken and mushroom pie, which noone really likes.
Common preference:
I want chicken for supper
you want mushrooms
One of us suggests beef instead. Wow! I'd like beef even better than chicken! you'd like beef even better than mushrooms! Everyone is happy.
Thinking about letting go - jumping off a cliff - will there be a soft landing?
Most of our parenting is based on parental authority. What the parent says goes. If it hurts the child, it is for their own good. We just have to be strong. To hang in there. To hurt our children in their own interests because it will be Better In The Long Run.
When child complies, life is great.
And this situation goes on until suddenly the child is too large and old to obey us Because I Said So and they are out till God knows what hour of the night doing God knows what, and all our old techniques of persuasion can only turn into Not Under My Roof and more and more emotional distance and honestly we have no idea what interests our children or motivates them, all we can do is watch from the sidelines and worry. Just look at the older children forums on the big message boards. That's what every parent is struggling with.
We all love our children so much and are desperate for them to be happy and fulfilled, and we want to help them prepare to take their place in wider society as successful, fulfilled people. We all do.
But look at the threads here, girls: Child won't sleep where I want him/her to sleep. Child doesn't want to go to nursery, how can I make him/her? Child won't go where I want him/her to. Child won't eat a meal the way I want him/her to.
All my posts are coming from having read some wonderful books on parenting and education, by authors like Deborah Jackson, Alfie Kohn, John Holt, Jan Hunt. And from having found out a lot about the philosophy of Karl Popper, which he never applied to parenting but which holds as its central concept the principle of fallibility. and then finding a (now defunct) blog called Rational Parenting and then a radical website called Taking Children Seriously.
And this is what comes out of it:
In a conflict situation, instead of asserting your authority or giving in to your child, try to find a solution which everyone genuinely prefers to their original plan (a "common preference"). Suddenly problems are not a disaster but something to get your teeth into, out of which all kinds of fun and learning and closeness can come.
In a conflict situation, remember, you might be wrong and your child might be right. (that's the fallibility bit) It's that old story where 10 month old is trying to grab your fork and you are going "no no that's not safe" and then you turn away for a second and when you turn back child is solemnly and dextrously feeding you pasta. Humbling.
It's a completely different philosophy of parenting from anything most of us have ever encountered before, and I believe it leads to gloriously happier families.
In a reply, someone said she thought compromise is good
I don't advocate compromise. I hate compromise. I want X, you want Y, and we get Z which is a mish mash of both which noone wanted. A common preference is much better than a compromise. The people involved don't meet in the middle. Instead they find ways for everyone to get what they originally wanted, or they find things which everyone genuinely prefers to their original desire. It sometimes involves some serious thinking outside the box.
A simplified version might be:
Compromise:
I want chicken for supper
You want mushrooms
we have chicken and mushroom pie, which noone really likes.
Common preference:
I want chicken for supper
you want mushrooms
One of us suggests beef instead. Wow! I'd like beef even better than chicken! you'd like beef even better than mushrooms! Everyone is happy.
communicating with the mainstream
Parent wrote:
"My daugher is 2 and a half and just lately has become really naughty and cheeky, also very good at completly ignoring me when i speaking to her..."
do you think your daughter means to ber naughty? Is she a bad person? I doubt it :)
Do you think she understands why some things are forbidden and others are allowed? Do you have rational and logical reasons for forbidding certain things? If they are indeed rational, you should be able to communicate it at 2 year old level. (not just THE STOVE WILL BURN YOU, GO TO THE NAUGHTY STEP but experimenting safely with heat, with flames and cookers and hot taps so that when you say HOT the child understands exactly why it's not a good idea to grasp with both hands rather than not touching because they are afraid of your anger)
Parent wrote:
"other times she will throw a massive tantrum over something silly."
forgive me, but who decides it's silly? When you're really angry or frustrated, you don't like it if people say "oh don't be ridiculous, this is a tiny problem" do you? If it was minor to her, she wouldn't throw a tantrum. Try to work out what she's upset about, and find some way of making it possible for the thing she wants to occur, or find something even more fun for her to do.
Parent wrote:
"its the ignoring me that gets on my nevres the most, even when im just trying to speak to her she will completly ignore me..."
maybe that's because what you are saying makes no sense to her - seems illogical or unhelpful or unkind.
We adults are all so verbal, but a 2.5 year old really isn't yet.
Replace a lecture with a sentence.
Replace a sentence with a kind word
Replace a word with a helpful action.
All the best to you - it's a roller coaster journey isn't it? If you can lose the idea of controlling your daughter, it'll free you up to be a guide and free her up to blossom and thrive. You'll be able to wave the kicking-of-granny good bye
"My daugher is 2 and a half and just lately has become really naughty and cheeky, also very good at completly ignoring me when i speaking to her..."
do you think your daughter means to ber naughty? Is she a bad person? I doubt it :)
Do you think she understands why some things are forbidden and others are allowed? Do you have rational and logical reasons for forbidding certain things? If they are indeed rational, you should be able to communicate it at 2 year old level. (not just THE STOVE WILL BURN YOU, GO TO THE NAUGHTY STEP but experimenting safely with heat, with flames and cookers and hot taps so that when you say HOT the child understands exactly why it's not a good idea to grasp with both hands rather than not touching because they are afraid of your anger)
Parent wrote:
"other times she will throw a massive tantrum over something silly."
forgive me, but who decides it's silly? When you're really angry or frustrated, you don't like it if people say "oh don't be ridiculous, this is a tiny problem" do you? If it was minor to her, she wouldn't throw a tantrum. Try to work out what she's upset about, and find some way of making it possible for the thing she wants to occur, or find something even more fun for her to do.
Parent wrote:
"its the ignoring me that gets on my nevres the most, even when im just trying to speak to her she will completly ignore me..."
maybe that's because what you are saying makes no sense to her - seems illogical or unhelpful or unkind.
We adults are all so verbal, but a 2.5 year old really isn't yet.
Replace a lecture with a sentence.
Replace a sentence with a kind word
Replace a word with a helpful action.
All the best to you - it's a roller coaster journey isn't it? If you can lose the idea of controlling your daughter, it'll free you up to be a guide and free her up to blossom and thrive. You'll be able to wave the kicking-of-granny good bye
Thursday, March 01, 2007
mealtimes
Suggestions for a parent in great pain about giving child time-outs and removing food when it goes on the floor at scheduled mealtimes...
This might sound crazy, but here are some ideas aimed at removing the stress from the situation without hurting your child and yourself... maybe one or two will be useful. They are offered in deep sympathy for your pain and your child's.
Spread a big rug on the floor and have a carpet picnic
Sit on the floor next to a child sized table
Lose the idea that everyone has to eat the same food at the same time.
If being with you and husband while you eat is interesting, child will do it without having to be frightened into sitting at the table with you. If not, then it'll be interesting in a week, 6 months, a year. Relax. Spread more tablecloths on the floor :-)
Give child food as background while they do something else - nothing like having a crayon in one hand and a sausage in the other, and somehow the sausage all disappears.
Find lots of really interesting things to throw off the table. You can get 100 plastic balls from Argos for less than £10. Now THAT'S fun. Parents could attempt to throw the balls in a tricky target on the other side of the room. Child is going to prefer to throw coloured balls than pasta, let's face it.
Remember: child is almost certainly not throwing food because they hate your food, they hate you, they intend to be uncivilised, or they are not hungry. THey are throwing the food because they are exploring the universe around them and they want to find out about different textures, things which go flump and things which go splot. Encourage it in ways which don't annoy you - lots of play dough. Lots of finger food. A tablecloth under the chair so thrown food can just get recirculated. Lots of making "soup" out of flour and eggs and food colouring. Make sure child wears machine washable clothes.
You can turn this round to a joyful thing in 5 minutes flat by working WITH your child to help them learn about the world through experiment and play, and incidentally gradually moving towards formal mealtimes as they grow older. If anyone asks what on EARTH you are doing, tell them your child is going to be a genius scientist. :-)
What do you think? I'm hoping it communicates with someone who has never ocnsidered parenting playfully before.
This might sound crazy, but here are some ideas aimed at removing the stress from the situation without hurting your child and yourself... maybe one or two will be useful. They are offered in deep sympathy for your pain and your child's.
Spread a big rug on the floor and have a carpet picnic
Sit on the floor next to a child sized table
Lose the idea that everyone has to eat the same food at the same time.
If being with you and husband while you eat is interesting, child will do it without having to be frightened into sitting at the table with you. If not, then it'll be interesting in a week, 6 months, a year. Relax. Spread more tablecloths on the floor :-)
Give child food as background while they do something else - nothing like having a crayon in one hand and a sausage in the other, and somehow the sausage all disappears.
Find lots of really interesting things to throw off the table. You can get 100 plastic balls from Argos for less than £10. Now THAT'S fun. Parents could attempt to throw the balls in a tricky target on the other side of the room. Child is going to prefer to throw coloured balls than pasta, let's face it.
Remember: child is almost certainly not throwing food because they hate your food, they hate you, they intend to be uncivilised, or they are not hungry. THey are throwing the food because they are exploring the universe around them and they want to find out about different textures, things which go flump and things which go splot. Encourage it in ways which don't annoy you - lots of play dough. Lots of finger food. A tablecloth under the chair so thrown food can just get recirculated. Lots of making "soup" out of flour and eggs and food colouring. Make sure child wears machine washable clothes.
You can turn this round to a joyful thing in 5 minutes flat by working WITH your child to help them learn about the world through experiment and play, and incidentally gradually moving towards formal mealtimes as they grow older. If anyone asks what on EARTH you are doing, tell them your child is going to be a genius scientist. :-)
What do you think? I'm hoping it communicates with someone who has never ocnsidered parenting playfully before.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Lots of back-up posts
The Unconditional Parenting board is closing down, so I have backed up lots of my posts from there.
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
how can teens experiment safely with alchohol?
I think there's great value in European attitudes to alchohol, where it is something regularly offered to children if adults are drinking some with a meal. In many european families, parents or other relatives would expect to help their children train their palettes - distinguishing between grapes and learning the different scents and flavours. This would model wine drinking (and Scots similarly teach teens about whisky) as something to be savoured rather than a dangerous drug to be experimented with safely.
Also - what better place to first experience the physical effects of half a glass of wine - and to develop theories about how to behave under such circumstances - than in the home?
alchohol being "forbidden fruit" contributes to potentially dangerous attitudes to drinking it IMO
Also - what better place to first experience the physical effects of half a glass of wine - and to develop theories about how to behave under such circumstances - than in the home?
alchohol being "forbidden fruit" contributes to potentially dangerous attitudes to drinking it IMO
How do I protect precious ornaments from my child?
I think if there are communal expensive things a parent wants to protect, then they need to find ways of protecting them without hurting the child.
If things get thrown at TV, put TV in one of those 1970s cabinets? Then the doors can get quickly shut as the throwing begins. Having something on the outside of the cabinet worth throwing things AT would be cool. (like a target painted on or someting)
You could have a whole row of good things to throw on a mantelpiece or shelf so there's always something to hand.
eggs. Buy very very cheap ones. Play outside. Hose down afterwards. Or actually break eggs into a bowl to make scrambled egg, but have a good play with them first.
Make cornflour+water paste (fun texture in itself) and leave to dry in the sun. It goes cracked like a desert. Crumbling the chunks into tiny tiny pieces is cool.
Bottles of water to splash around outside might be a fun substitute for breaking - and for splashing in afterwards.
If things get thrown at TV, put TV in one of those 1970s cabinets? Then the doors can get quickly shut as the throwing begins. Having something on the outside of the cabinet worth throwing things AT would be cool. (like a target painted on or someting)
You could have a whole row of good things to throw on a mantelpiece or shelf so there's always something to hand.
eggs. Buy very very cheap ones. Play outside. Hose down afterwards. Or actually break eggs into a bowl to make scrambled egg, but have a good play with them first.
Make cornflour+water paste (fun texture in itself) and leave to dry in the sun. It goes cracked like a desert. Crumbling the chunks into tiny tiny pieces is cool.
Bottles of water to splash around outside might be a fun substitute for breaking - and for splashing in afterwards.
My child wants to play with toys in shops!
Well then, if child wants to play with toy in shop (as long as it isn't inextricably in packaging, which is another problem to be worked out, perhaps with the help of the shop assistants) then I would stay in shop for as long as child wants to be there playing with toy.
The details of ownership of the toy are then (as Julia Roberts not-quite said) just geography.
Repeat after me...
ALWAYS PACK YOUR BOOK OR ALTERNATIVE MEANS OF ENTERTAINING YOURSELF BEFORE EMBARKING ON ANY EXPEDITION
It can really help to leave the watch at home, and make it possible, as far as packaging makes it possible, for child to play with toys/other interesting objects in the store for as long as they want to. Shall we go to playgroup or shall we go to Walmart today?
Often, a child will have finished with object way before the check out counter. In fact, games of putting umpteen bags of sugar in the trolley and then reshelving them is also tremendous fun (well, maybe less thrilling for a 14 year old than a 3 year old, heh)
There is no law which says that something in the trolley has to be bought. It just shows that these are the objects which have caught your eyes so far.
(I'm not saying that if child really wants to buy the Neutron soup, you should put it in the trolley and then lie to them about having left it behind. What I mean is, the moment of putting something in the trolley or even putting it on the check out counter does not represent an irrevocable decision)
The details of ownership of the toy are then (as Julia Roberts not-quite said) just geography.
Repeat after me...
ALWAYS PACK YOUR BOOK OR ALTERNATIVE MEANS OF ENTERTAINING YOURSELF BEFORE EMBARKING ON ANY EXPEDITION
It can really help to leave the watch at home, and make it possible, as far as packaging makes it possible, for child to play with toys/other interesting objects in the store for as long as they want to. Shall we go to playgroup or shall we go to Walmart today?
Often, a child will have finished with object way before the check out counter. In fact, games of putting umpteen bags of sugar in the trolley and then reshelving them is also tremendous fun (well, maybe less thrilling for a 14 year old than a 3 year old, heh)
There is no law which says that something in the trolley has to be bought. It just shows that these are the objects which have caught your eyes so far.
(I'm not saying that if child really wants to buy the Neutron soup, you should put it in the trolley and then lie to them about having left it behind. What I mean is, the moment of putting something in the trolley or even putting it on the check out counter does not represent an irrevocable decision)
My child throws food out of the high chair all the time
If child is interested in an activity, find a way to help them get LOTS more of it safely and with parents being happy.
How about a carpet picnic on a big sheet? Then food which gets dropped can just get back on to the sheet?
How about passing child loads of objects for throwing while they are in the high chair?
Jenga blocks are fun.
Plastic balls can easily be gathered into their container with a broom later.
Buttons of different shapes, colours and sizes might be fun (if choking hazard doesn't worry you) and can be swept up with dustpan and brush.
Play dough is divinely wonderful. You can do all sorts of different colours, the cooked kind and the uncooked kind, different flours give v. different textures... also wonderful for throwing in small balls.
Paper aeroplanes are of course good for throwing.
Buy a child-sized table and chairs and decamp down there so child can sit at the table for exactly as long as they want.
How about a carpet picnic on a big sheet? Then food which gets dropped can just get back on to the sheet?
How about passing child loads of objects for throwing while they are in the high chair?
Jenga blocks are fun.
Plastic balls can easily be gathered into their container with a broom later.
Buttons of different shapes, colours and sizes might be fun (if choking hazard doesn't worry you) and can be swept up with dustpan and brush.
Play dough is divinely wonderful. You can do all sorts of different colours, the cooked kind and the uncooked kind, different flours give v. different textures... also wonderful for throwing in small balls.
Paper aeroplanes are of course good for throwing.
Buy a child-sized table and chairs and decamp down there so child can sit at the table for exactly as long as they want.
How should one prepare for a long plane journey with small children?
It's very important to have something to suck and swallow during take off and (especially) landing - it can be as much as 20-30 mins of ear popping on the way down.
Talking about what you see when you take off and land - small houses, cars, fields, then up through the white clouds - talking about what clouds are made of. MAKE SURE YOU GET A WINDOW SEAT
There are some great magical Kipper episodes which happen in the clouds - have them in the DVD player? Several Richard Scarry DVD moments in airplanes too.
The tray of airplane food can itself provide literally minutes of innocent entertainment for children and adults alike
Friendly crew might offer them a tour of the cockpit to meet the pilot?
At the airport: escalators and lifts can be fun. Weighing child on an unused check-in carousel? PRetending to drive one of those little electric car things for disabled people (when not in use). Pushing a trolley around? [Although if child rides on trolley, the security staff may come and get officious] Check in, and then go for a walk outside the airport until it's time to go through security? Lots of colouring things? Sticker books?
Wait until the flight is actually called before going to the departure gate. The departure lounge often has amusement arcades for children, some entertainments in which are free; might be worth budgeting $20 for rides? Looking out of the departure lounge windows at the planes and staircases on lorries and baggage trains etc might also be fun
Talking about what you see when you take off and land - small houses, cars, fields, then up through the white clouds - talking about what clouds are made of. MAKE SURE YOU GET A WINDOW SEAT
There are some great magical Kipper episodes which happen in the clouds - have them in the DVD player? Several Richard Scarry DVD moments in airplanes too.
The tray of airplane food can itself provide literally minutes of innocent entertainment for children and adults alike
Friendly crew might offer them a tour of the cockpit to meet the pilot?
At the airport: escalators and lifts can be fun. Weighing child on an unused check-in carousel? PRetending to drive one of those little electric car things for disabled people (when not in use). Pushing a trolley around? [Although if child rides on trolley, the security staff may come and get officious] Check in, and then go for a walk outside the airport until it's time to go through security? Lots of colouring things? Sticker books?
Wait until the flight is actually called before going to the departure gate. The departure lounge often has amusement arcades for children, some entertainments in which are free; might be worth budgeting $20 for rides? Looking out of the departure lounge windows at the planes and staircases on lorries and baggage trains etc might also be fun
what if my dentist tells me that sucking a blanket will lead to my child needing a brace?
1. Get a second opinion.
2. get more info.
Having a brace later might mean all sorts of different things. It might mean one of those round-the-head traction jobs, or having 8 teeth removed to make space BUT...
if the dentist is right and it's just thumb/blanket sucking that is pushing those front teeth out, then my guess is that if it DID need a brace, it'd be a daytime only or nighttime only removable, top teeth only job. Which your child might well consider is a good trade off for several years of happy sleeping.
One of those top-and-bottom, fixed brace with elastic bands connecting to a night time jaw moving machinery... no, that might not be considered a good trade off.
2. get more info.
Having a brace later might mean all sorts of different things. It might mean one of those round-the-head traction jobs, or having 8 teeth removed to make space BUT...
if the dentist is right and it's just thumb/blanket sucking that is pushing those front teeth out, then my guess is that if it DID need a brace, it'd be a daytime only or nighttime only removable, top teeth only job. Which your child might well consider is a good trade off for several years of happy sleeping.
One of those top-and-bottom, fixed brace with elastic bands connecting to a night time jaw moving machinery... no, that might not be considered a good trade off.
If people smoke around my child will they become a smoker?
This was a post where a child started pretending to smoke a pretend cigarette after aunty Flo or someone had smoked near them.
I'd try to see it from the child's POV.
FRom whenever fire experimentation starts, with candles, matches and a trusted adult with a bucket of water, child has been learning that fire is HOT and has flames, and makes smoke.
Child has also been gradually learning about the sorts of things people put in their mouths. And putting fire in your mouth and then blowing smoke out is a new one.
Frankly, I'd be role playing it too.
I would think that parental or peer smoking is likely to be amuch bigger influence on a person taking it up than having one isolated aunt who does it.
(drifts off into happy memories of experimenting with dry cow parsley stalks as huge "cigarettes" as a child. THe smoke was wonderfully viscous and oily, but you had to suck on the stem to get it to come out of the top in a satisfying curly way and if you inhaled it by accident you'd be coughing evil poison out of your lungs for ten minutes...)
I'd try to see it from the child's POV.
FRom whenever fire experimentation starts, with candles, matches and a trusted adult with a bucket of water, child has been learning that fire is HOT and has flames, and makes smoke.
Child has also been gradually learning about the sorts of things people put in their mouths. And putting fire in your mouth and then blowing smoke out is a new one.
Frankly, I'd be role playing it too.
I would think that parental or peer smoking is likely to be amuch bigger influence on a person taking it up than having one isolated aunt who does it.
(drifts off into happy memories of experimenting with dry cow parsley stalks as huge "cigarettes" as a child. THe smoke was wonderfully viscous and oily, but you had to suck on the stem to get it to come out of the top in a satisfying curly way and if you inhaled it by accident you'd be coughing evil poison out of your lungs for ten minutes...)
are manners important?
As far as small children are concerned, you could just as well be insisting that they say "a la la peanut butter sandwiches" before making a request as insisting on "please". It's an arbitrary convention. I prefer a spontaneous (probably occasional) heartfelt "thank you" or a beaming smile, or just a satisfied glug glug glug as the water goes down.
Make it so you don't have to respond to requests that irritate you. Bottles of water (refilled bottled water bottles) around at 4yo level? A water cooler?
I hate it when I have done something for a small child - pass them a toy they wanted, or something - and just in the middle of a beautiful communicative eye-contact moment between the two of us, with gratitude expressed and acknowledged, and sometimes even a spark of joy, the parent wades in with "say thank you". And I think "butt out, you just ruined the moment". And we've completely forgotten what we were doing.
I always say to the parent "no need for thank yous - we're doing fine"
Also, children pick up the way their parents speak. I think communicating with thank you/sorry is NBD - if the parent uses them, the child picks up when to, when they feel like it.
Make it so you don't have to respond to requests that irritate you. Bottles of water (refilled bottled water bottles) around at 4yo level? A water cooler?
I hate it when I have done something for a small child - pass them a toy they wanted, or something - and just in the middle of a beautiful communicative eye-contact moment between the two of us, with gratitude expressed and acknowledged, and sometimes even a spark of joy, the parent wades in with "say thank you". And I think "butt out, you just ruined the moment". And we've completely forgotten what we were doing.
I always say to the parent "no need for thank yous - we're doing fine"
Also, children pick up the way their parents speak. I think communicating with thank you/sorry is NBD - if the parent uses them, the child picks up when to, when they feel like it.
what should I do if my 2-year-old child ignores me?
"for every paragraph you were planning to say, substitute a sentence
for every sentence, substitute a word
for every word, substitute an action."
[copyright a wise friend of mine]
I wouldn't try to communicate verbally with a child this small about how they just spilled water and whether they should be clearing it up. I would just start tidying up (the first time a child helps their parent clear up, of their own accord, could be a really magical one - why spoil it with trying to make it happen for months before the child is ready?)
And I would find ways of tweaking the environment so that things which trigger a parent to fury don't happen often. So...
water in a sippy cup (great for spraying out of mouth, and just evaporates)?
milk in the bath or outside or in a room with tile/wooden/lino floor?
cover the carpet with old sheets or those cheap waterproof camping table cloths (good for spaghetti bolognaise nights too... )
I try to minimise the triggers by tweaking the environment in this sort of way.
If making a connection with the child is the thing bothering the parent, it might help to find time to connect through eye contact and hugs and perhaps reading a book together or having a conversation, either at the beginning of the day or just before sleeping. But in the middle of a busy day? Interrupting what they are doing to ask them to help clean up spilled water? When there's a universe to make sense of?
for every sentence, substitute a word
for every word, substitute an action."
[copyright a wise friend of mine]
I wouldn't try to communicate verbally with a child this small about how they just spilled water and whether they should be clearing it up. I would just start tidying up (the first time a child helps their parent clear up, of their own accord, could be a really magical one - why spoil it with trying to make it happen for months before the child is ready?)
And I would find ways of tweaking the environment so that things which trigger a parent to fury don't happen often. So...
water in a sippy cup (great for spraying out of mouth, and just evaporates)?
milk in the bath or outside or in a room with tile/wooden/lino floor?
cover the carpet with old sheets or those cheap waterproof camping table cloths (good for spaghetti bolognaise nights too... )
I try to minimise the triggers by tweaking the environment in this sort of way.
If making a connection with the child is the thing bothering the parent, it might help to find time to connect through eye contact and hugs and perhaps reading a book together or having a conversation, either at the beginning of the day or just before sleeping. But in the middle of a busy day? Interrupting what they are doing to ask them to help clean up spilled water? When there's a universe to make sense of?
what kind of preparation is cool?
(rather than living seat-of-your-pants all the time)
My life changed when I got given a hand-me-down crock pot aka a slow cooker. Probably 2/3 days a week, I throw ingredients for a meal in there in that early morning mellow time. I always cook at least enough for two meals, so on some of the other days, I'm a 15 minute girl, when I look in the freezer and grabbed something I cooked a week or two ago.
I have a special grab it now rucksack, which contains all the basics that people I go on trips with might want (e.g. biscuits, entertainment and some cash). Then if it's time to go RIGHT NOW, I just grab the bag. This piece of preparation was a once off, 6 months or more ago. I just stick another bottle of water in if the old one is empty when I get home, or whatever. I just added gloves today brrrr.
My life changed when I got given a hand-me-down crock pot aka a slow cooker. Probably 2/3 days a week, I throw ingredients for a meal in there in that early morning mellow time. I always cook at least enough for two meals, so on some of the other days, I'm a 15 minute girl, when I look in the freezer and grabbed something I cooked a week or two ago.
I have a special grab it now rucksack, which contains all the basics that people I go on trips with might want (e.g. biscuits, entertainment and some cash). Then if it's time to go RIGHT NOW, I just grab the bag. This piece of preparation was a once off, 6 months or more ago. I just stick another bottle of water in if the old one is empty when I get home, or whatever. I just added gloves today brrrr.
what do I do if my child keeps picking my plants?
I know people with a big vegetable patch and a rabbit problem. They fenced the whole thing in with chicken wire. It probably goes almost a foot underground and sticks up about 2 feet.
this doesn't just make rabbits pause, but also small children, so that their time in the veg garden among the podding peas can be carefully supervised. I'm not advocating sitting in the enclosure with child crying outside, but it would give you warning that child wants to be among your precious plants with you, so you can concentrate on them.
You could always plant things which child is encouraged to pick around the edge of the fence?
If you can get the first sprouting of weeds out when your plants are seedlings, the vegetables stay ahead of the weeds which are really just superficially annoying then.
Some parents I know go "don't touch me!!!" in a silly high voice when a child puts a finger towards a flower. So that even touching the flower is a hilarious game - no need for picking.
Others I have come across make a big deal out of smelling the flowers with the child, sticking their noses right inside to get a lung full of the scent.
Some avid vegetable gardeners have put many of their gardening ambitions on hold for a year or two, instead making mud pies in the earth on a daily basis for a whole growing season
Hanging baskets for precious flowers?
Raised beds for vegetables?
Lots of lawn space with fun toys - a trampoline, a climbing frame, a swing and slide, a sandpit with lots of toys? You can buy cheap plastic water play tables which can be a great place to stand and do sand games/ water with bubbles/ corn starch and water/ you name it.
Child might like to stand on a step ladder and help you hang clothes.
I'd be thinking about ways of having the child involved with what you are doing, and consider saving the garden maintenance for when another adult is around to amuse the small child.
this doesn't just make rabbits pause, but also small children, so that their time in the veg garden among the podding peas can be carefully supervised. I'm not advocating sitting in the enclosure with child crying outside, but it would give you warning that child wants to be among your precious plants with you, so you can concentrate on them.
You could always plant things which child is encouraged to pick around the edge of the fence?
If you can get the first sprouting of weeds out when your plants are seedlings, the vegetables stay ahead of the weeds which are really just superficially annoying then.
Some parents I know go "don't touch me!!!" in a silly high voice when a child puts a finger towards a flower. So that even touching the flower is a hilarious game - no need for picking.
Others I have come across make a big deal out of smelling the flowers with the child, sticking their noses right inside to get a lung full of the scent.
Some avid vegetable gardeners have put many of their gardening ambitions on hold for a year or two, instead making mud pies in the earth on a daily basis for a whole growing season
Hanging baskets for precious flowers?
Raised beds for vegetables?
Lots of lawn space with fun toys - a trampoline, a climbing frame, a swing and slide, a sandpit with lots of toys? You can buy cheap plastic water play tables which can be a great place to stand and do sand games/ water with bubbles/ corn starch and water/ you name it.
Child might like to stand on a step ladder and help you hang clothes.
I'd be thinking about ways of having the child involved with what you are doing, and consider saving the garden maintenance for when another adult is around to amuse the small child.
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